An Imaginary Lectureship

I went to an imaginary lectureship,
Way back up in the hills,
And listening to the speakers,
Was like taking sleeping pills.

At first, I thought it might be me,
But I had to think again,
When I heard one of the speakers say,
Women cannot say “Amen!”

“A woman must be silent,”
And silence means “not a word!”
But then he said that she must sing,
Which must be totally absurd!

We should not applaud at a baptism
You can nod if you approve.
(I guess the thing that makes it wrong,
Is the body part you move!)

It is wrong to build gymnasiums,
A kitchen is a sin.
And should you have “Youth Ministers,”
The Lord won’t let you in.

A chorus or a praise team,
Is clearly out of place.
And if someone sings a solo
It’s really a big disgrace.

It is wrong to eat in the building,
But water we can drink.
(We can even have a bathroom,
With a commode as well as a sink.)

The “Church” can’t help non-Christians,
And that’s really kind of sad,
To teach that helping the needy,
Makes the good Lord say, “You’re bad!”

We can’t have Bible classes,
If some could have their way,
And VBS is surely wrong,
If you let the children “play.”

One cup for the communion,
Use more, and you’re under a curse.
(I would think that during the “flu” season
It’d be good if you drank first.)

We must use the King James Version,
Or maybe, the ASV.
Those other “perverted” Bibles,
Are as sinful as can be!

If you’re in a second marriage
You’ll likely have to divorce.
Being faithful to these vows you made,
Is something we do not indorse.

There is no Second Coming–
Jesus came back in the past
He came back in A.D. 70–
And that will be His last!

We have no indwelling Spirit,
He dwells only through the word.
There is no Personal presence,
Beats all I’ve ever heard.

We cannot observe Thanksgiving
As a National Holiday.
And if we observe Christmas.
It is really “hell” to pay.

While listening to this non-sense,
I really wanted to leave.
But then, I decided to stay awhile,
Just to see if it was wrong to “breathe!”

As I thought about the sermons,
I knew why some folks quit,
Because binding these human opinions,
Will not help the church one bit.

The folks who had this lectureship,
Were really in some “ruts,”
And those of us who listened,
Had to be a bunch of “nuts!”

When the lectures were finally over,
I shook some hands and left,
And I thought as I was leaving,
I’ve preached some of this stuff myself!!

When I think about how bad this is,
It’s as disturbing as can be,
When I point a finger at others,
There are three pointing back at me!

But Jesus came to save us all,
On this, there can be no doubt.
And all of us have said some stuff,
Not knowing what we were talking about!!

This was only an imaginary lectureship,
The real ones may not be so grim.
But our faith should not be in preachers,
Our faith should be only in HIM!!!

Wayne Dunaway

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